One of the things that comes up in the odd conversation once in awhile is, ?Do you have any regrets??. This typically refers to decisions you have made in your life that you wish you had done differently. Webster?s dictionary defines regret as ?to be very sorry for ?. Yet when I think of regret, that?s not how I think of it at all. I think back and go why the hell did I do that? Or I really should have done it this way. To me those are regrets. But ultimately, if you had the chance to change it, would you?
Pardon me for going all sci-fi for a moment, but to me, it?s a perfect scenario. ?Tapestry? was an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation in which Captain Picard ?dies? because his artificial heart malfunctions. Q gives Picard the chance to go back in time and change the events that led him to having an artificial heart. Picard goes along with it as he sees it as a chance to change one of his regrets, and he does change it. Once that happens, Q sends Picard back to his own time, only to find out that he isn?t a Captain anymore. Just some low-ranked, minion who has no real impact on things around him. Picard realizes that part of who he became in the future had a lot to do with how he did things in the past, whether he liked it or not. As he put it, ?There are many lose threads in my youth that I?m not proud of. But when I took them away, it unraveled the tapestry of my life.?. This was entirely true. By changing a single thing about himself way back, it totally altered who he was.
The point is, regardless of any crap we have had to deal with, all of that crap makes us in to who we are now. I know that for myself, I have regrets about things that have happened in the last 5 or 6 years. If I had done things differently, my life would be completely different than what it is now. Would that be good? Probably. But my life is pretty good now. It would just be different. I think in some aspects, my life would be happier but in other ways, it may not. It?s hard to say. I do know that part of regret is not healthy, if you dwell on it.
There have been times in the last two years I have seriously thought about how my life would be different had I not left IBM. No doubt, my career would have taken a very different turn. But then there?s also the possibility that the events of 9/11 would have had a major impact and possibly resulted in the loss of my job, although unlikely. I do think that had I stayed, my personal situation would have deteriorated much more rapidly than it did after returning to Canada. Maybe this would have been better, maybe not. I think about that kind of stuff from time to time. It?s not something I am focused on or dwell on but when things at work get to be a bit much, I think about stuff like that since the environment was so completely different.
I?m not really sure what the exact point of this rant today is I guess I?m just looking back. I think a big part of it was a conversation me and Tamara had last night about my past and different things that have happened. With the finalizing of the divorce coming soon, I think it?s got me doing a lot of looking back. Sorting through the boxes of stuff last night, I found a bag filled with film negatives that belonged to Jenn. Tamara asked me if I?d feel guilty throwing them out and I said yeah. I think I can safely say that at least a large part of my angst towards her has been put to rest. Not all of it mind you, but a large chunk of it. Everybody deals with different things in different ways and it may be taking me longer than I would like to be completely over the past, but I?ve begun to understand that it?s ok. Some people can just flip a switch and the past be the past and that?s it. Other people take longer, and some never get over it. I heard a story about some woman who had been divorced for 17 years and was still very angrily bitter at her ex-husband. Now I think that?s a bit too much. I mean 17 years?!?! But, I guess some people never do move on. I?m relatively sure that I?m not one of them. Just a little slower than some. Maybe it?s my age. I?m getting too old for this 😉
So there. I?ve had my say!
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