For anyone who has been following my life within the last few years, knows that it was two years ago that my marriage ended with my then wife, Jennifer. In fact, a week from tomorrow will be exactly two years. I moved out of the duplex on July 27th, 2002. Anyway, since then I have gone through many stages of hurt, anger, resentment, and God only knows what, and today I think I made a huge step in the right direction.
A few months ago, it was a Saturday night, and my good friends Alex & Brian were playing at The Pumphouse. I made plans and was going to go out and see them play that night. Tamara was out, and I figured it would be a great night to listen to some good tunes. But, when I got to the door, I noticed Jenn & Rob (her boyfriend) sitting at the front of the stage, and I saw Jenn’s mom sitting with them. I panicked. I did not want to go in there and see them. I didn’t want to deal with Jenn, Rob, or any of it. So, I went back to my car, drove home, and sat around doing piss all the rest of the night.
After realizing that it was such a stupid thing to do, I saw how much she still had over me, even after all of this time. I got so worked up over nothing. But I have had this sort of paranoia in my head about seeing her, talking to her, having anything to do with her. I figured we’d start fighting or end up in some sort of stupid arguement like we always did and it was just get worse, blah blah blah. It really bothered me. I’m living with someone else whom I love dearly. We have a house together and a great life. Why do I let myself feel like this over what? Seeing someone that was a huge part of my life for such a longtime? It was part of my life and it will always be. Nothing I can do. Do I run aware scared everytime I see her now? No.
May 15th rolled around and I was feeling a bit out of it. That was the day of mine and Jenn’s anniversary. Thinking back, I dug out all of our old home movies and watched them. I sampled them all onto my PC and just sat back and laughed. There was SO much funny stuff on those tapes that I had forgotten about. I laughed and laughed and felt so good about everything. It was weird. I was watching Jenn, myself, and others, and having a good time. It made me realize what I have heard all along. You need to focus on the good, and not the bad. I’ve said this a hundred times, but it wasn’t until watching those tapes that it really sunk in. There was all this good stuff from a part of my life that I had buried because of how it ended.
So, I made the conscious decision to put the stuff on DVD for myself so that I would have it. I then thought about it and decided that I wanted to give the same DVD to Jenn. Even though we are not speaking, I wanted her to have it because she was as much a part of those memories as I was. So it only seemed natural. I also found an old VHS tape of hers, along with some photo negatives that belonged to her. It didn’t seem right to toss the photos aside either.
I was going to give them to her brother, or her mom figuring there was no way I was going to have anything to do with her. That was the plan all along. Then one night, for whatever reason, I had this flash of insight that made so much sense.
I had been running from her. Running from dealing with seeing her, talking to her, or having much to do with her. Just turning my back and trying to pretend like nothing was bothering me. But somehow, for whatever reason, it still did. So, what better way to face your worst fear, then to simply dive right in and jump at it.
I made the decision I would take Jenn’s stuff to her place, and talk to her face to face. I knew I’d be terrified and scared, and wondering what would be said, if we’d fight, if it would help, if it was a good idea, whatever. But I knew that if I confronted her, face to face, it would be the start of being able to deal with seeing her, and just being normal, instead of being so worried that I’d bump into her and have an arguement or something.
Today, I jumped off that bridge and went to see her. I went home and got the stuff I needed and then drove back into town, and hauled my ass up to Eagle Ridge estates. I parked the car, and just for a moment, I hesitated, and then said to myself, “Just do it”. I did. I went to the door, punched in her apartment number, and waited for her to answer. My heart was pounding. My legs were shaking and I was sweating bad, but I knew this had to happen. Then guess what happened?
No one answered the buzzer. I stood there for a moment and then walked back to my car. I just sat in my car, wondering what I was going to do. Just as I was getting ready to start the car and take off, I see Rob walking down the walkway towards me. I got out of the car, greeted him, asked him if Jenn was home, and he politely invited me in.
There was no turning back now. We chatted in the hallway while we walked down to the apartment, and then we got there and I heard Jenn say something, and he said “Matt’s here”. She sort of paused, and I could tell I shocked the hell out of her. I know I was the last person in the world she expected to be showing up on her doorstep.
She said Hi and I told her why I was there. To give her the stuff. She invited me, and I handed her the box. Told her what was in it and she was surprised. We talked for a few minutes, nothing major. Mentioned the divorce and she said she had gotten notice. She thanked me for bringing the stuff and wondered why I didn’t just throw it out. Told her that it didn’t seem right and that I wanted to see her and even though I knew it would be hard, I wanted to. She saw the DVD and asked. I told her about the old home movies and she got pretty excited, asking if the racoon was on there, and I said yes (long story). I wished her my best, she did the same, and I walked off.
I got to my car and felt like a million bucks. This was exactly the way it was supposed to happen. No screaming and yelling. No arguing. Just two people, who did have a life together, moving on. One taking a little longer than the other, but still moving on. I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and felt good about how things have been left. I never felt good about how we split and how it turned out. I always had this thing in my head about wanting to sort of make the peace, without being lame about it, and for me, this was exactly the right thing to do.
SO!
After all of that ranting, I feel awesome. I had to get back to work so I could post this and have a written record of how I feel and what I experienced, and be able to remember how I made a difference in my own life by facing what I guess was one of my deepest fears.
Thank you Jenn for being mature about everything and let’s face it, I would not be where I am now if we had not met. Thanks Rob for letting me in the building, and thank you Tamara SO much for being the most awesome, wonderful woman in the world, and dealing with all of the baggage I have carried since we got together. I’m sure things are going to be even better now!
So there, I’ve had my say!
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