A rainy night

In 1985, there was a show called Robotech. The shows was actually 3 different Anime shows from Japan combined together to make one long story. An excellent show I might add. Since it was 3 different shows combined, there were 3 different sagas that were explored on it. The first, and best, being The Macross Saga. During one very important episode, Lisa Hayes discovered she was actually in love with Rick Hunter. It was such an odd thing to see in a cartoon in those days but it was an excellent story. The name of that specific episode was A Rainy Night. A night in which major thought and things come to mind. I am having one of those such nights tonight. Be warned folks, the following rant is not good, and not mean, or nasty in any way. I’m just a little off and although I suspect I should post this to a private section instead of here, I’m putting it here for now, because that’s where I feel the need to put it.

So today I watched 3 movies. I went to the movies at Trinity to see Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy which was pretty good. I finally got some of those damn jokes I have heard so many times. Regardless, that movie ended with me coming home to an empty house, to watch Episode I and Episode II of Star Wars by myself. Tamara was out today and tonite with her soon to be sister-in-law as it was going to be a bachelorette party tonite. Tamara’s brother had invited me to his party tonite as well. Regardless of the fact that I don’t know any of his friends, I thought it would be nice to get out for a change.

The party was at the VIP lounge of Miss Behaven here in Moncton. As you can imagine, the typical slutty type attire was found on some of the not so shy women in there but generally, everyone was having a good time, myself included. I was welcomed in, and actually played some rounds of poker for the first time ever. Being 31 and never having played poker, I seem to catch on pretty quickly although I didn’t win a whole lot, it was fun. I was however reminded of whby I do not go to bars and drink. One of the party goers was an older gentlemen, I believe David’s (Tamara’s brother) soon to be father-in-law, had a little much to drink and was kind of annoying although I tolerated it.

Things were relatively ok while we played poker, but once some of the entertainment kind of broke that up, it became quite apparent about who I am these days.

See, I dunno if it’s age, or just because of things that have happened in my past, but I suck at people. I used to have no problems fitting into a room of people I didn’t know, talking, and having a good time, regardless of who was around. Tonite, it was very evident that this portion of me has somehow been lost in the shuffle in the last few years. I sat at a table, looking around, not knowing a soul, and feeling very intimidated about speaking to anyone or trying to jump in on any conversation. It also became very apparent that there was not a soul in sight that I knew. Feeling uncomfortable, I finished my bag of chips, and left.

The only other thing that truly bothered me was that I looked around and saw all of these people who were there for Dave’s party. His friends and his family. Lots of people around. He has a lot of friends and from what I could tell, it looks like he spends a good deal of time with them. Something I can’t say about my friends…

After I left, I drove around town for about an hour and a half and then made my way home to where I am now. The house is empty as Tamara is still out and no offense to her, I’m glad I’m alone.

It’s weird. I’m not depressed. I’m not mad. I’m not anything. I just am.

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a bad night. See, fact is, as pathetic as this may sound, I don’t go out much. In fact, I’m almost scared to and I don’t really know why. I know that I have friends and people who care about me but let’s face it. Do I ever see them? No

I sit home, study, and go to work. I watch TV, write for a local magazine, and spend time with Tamara. The odd time here and there I visit family. But as far as friends that I hang out with, or go to the movies with or whatever, yeah right. Ben was here last week I think and it was the first time in months I had seen him. I don’t even remember the last time I saw Chris, JC, or Jason. I saw Hosford a few weeks ago when me and Tamara went up there. But let’s face it, I don’t spend anytime with my friends and I can’t figure out why.

I don’t even know if I have any real friends anymore. Don’t get me wrong folks. I have people that I do consider friends who visit this page regularily because they want to know what’s going on in my life and all of that jazz so I can’t say that I don’t have friends. But let’s talk about people I see on a regular basis. None of the people who visit here are among the ones I ever see, and I sit here and think about why that is and it’s got nothing to do with you guys at all.

It’s funny, back in 1999, me and Chris were very close. Best friends I guess you could say but shit happened. Can’t change that but things are different now and that’s that. Ben’s gotten married and has kids so that makes it harder to try and hang out. Hosford’s in Miramichi so I only see him from time to time. JC & Jason are still around and I have been welcome to ntheir place on many occasions yet everytime I go there, somehow it feels wrong.

Not because of them in anyway, but simply because life has changed so drastically. It’s funny. I remember this conversation I had with Jenn a long time ago. I told her about when Jason & J.C. first moved into Steadman and how I was so mad about it. I didn’t want them moving in there because I saw what was going to happen to them. The bad road they were taking and how things would change after that. They did change. I sort of turned my back and distanced myself from them so that eventually, running into them on the street was a rare occasion and at some point, I didn’t even know their phone number anymore. I told Jenn I had purposely pushed my friends out of my life and somehow I didn’t know what to do. She blamed herself. She went on and on about how it was somehow her fault and that my friends hated her even though they didn’t even know who she was. I never forgot that conversation because I think it was then I first realized how I had become so isolated.

Tonight, I guess I’m just sort of sitting here wondering why it is that when I have my nights or weekends free, I don’t pick up the phone and go visit someone, or pop in to say HI, or try to visit these people I call my friends. Why is it that I have just sat back, and slowly isolated myself?

Not to yank my own chain, but I have known a LOT of people. There was a time in my life that I was the stuff. People came to and from my house everyday and we hung out like mad. Growing up fades that out and I am aware of that, but tonite I’m more aware of it than I am anything else. Tonite it feels like I have nothing else other than my family, my job, and Tamara. Thank God for her. Otherwise, I’d likely still be at mom’s, sitting up in my room, upset about being alone.

Anyways, I’m fine. I’m not down. I’m not mad. I’m just venting out shit that needs to get out of my head. For those of you that I do call my friends, I’m very sorry that I don’t visit or I don’t call or I don’t email. I’m not sure why I don’t. It’s not that I don’t care about you, or that I don’t think about you, there’s just something not right in my head that keeps me from trying to stay in touch. Maybe at some point, I’ll figure out why I’m so scared to try and be with my friends.

So there. I’ve had my say.