We never knew you, but yet we loved you.
You were probably the biggest surprise I have ever had in my life. For years and years I always said and knew in my heart that I didn’t want to have children. But when I found out you were going to be in my life, I didn’t know what to think.
I was scared, happy, worried, and a million other emotions that I will never be able to convey in mere words. The idea that some part of me combined with some part of your mom to create a new life was something that I had never experienced before.
We didn’t tell anyone about you until you were a little over 3 months old. Your grandparents knew but beyond that, it was just us. It drove me crazy not being able to share with the world that I was going to be a father. It never really sank in until the day I heard your heartbeat. I sat in the doctor’s office and tears were running down my face as I heard the little beats of your heart and I knew that you were real. I knew that I was going to be a dad.
Then I got to see you for the first time. Your little feet and hands were so small but up on that black and white screen, they were as clear as day. We kept your photo and although it was hard to see you at first, we figured out where you were and I posted my photo of my unborn son at my cubicle and listened to the guys give me fair warnings about the lack of sleep I was going to experience in the coming months. Despite hating the fact that I’d sleep less, I knew the rewards would far exceed the bumps.
But it wasn’t meant to be.
Although I will never hold you in my arms and know what it was like to feel my son’s heartbeat against my own, I will always remember these past 5 months for what they were. A window into possibilities. You showed me that after so much doubt in my life, I know that I can handle the idea of having a child. Maybe someday, when the time is right, and God has chosen the moment, your brother or sister will be born.
At approximately 1:30pm yesterday afternoon, me and Tamara were told by the ultra-sound doctor that our baby did not have a heartbeat, and was in fact deceased. At this time, we do not know what has caused this but actions have and will be taken to find out what in fact did happen.
The doctor was very adamant about informing us that there is nothing we could have done to have caused this and that sometimes, it just happens.
We are experiencing a lot of emotions right now on many levels that for most of you, you will never understand. If you have lost a child to miscarriage or other types of child issues, perhaps you know a little bit about what it is like, but this was not a miscarriage. This was a fetal death. The baby became deceased about midway through the 20th week and Tamara is now approaching 24 weeks. There were no physical signs anywhere that anything was wrong. The only out of the ordinary fact was that Tamara had not really felt any kicks but her placenta was located directly behind her belly, and therefore made it much more difficult for her to feel fetal movements. Because of this, there was no reason to be concerned about the baby’s health. There literally was no way we would have suspected anything until yesterday.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) will be the most difficult day we will ever experience in our lifetime as we must decide many things that we never considered. Because the baby was older than 20 weeks, it is our responsibility to determine what to do with the “remains†once the baby has been “deliveredâ€. That in itself should tell you enough for you to know what we are going to have to endure over the next 48 hours.
I will not go into any more details about this but I do know that most of my close friends visit this site on a regular basis so for me, it was simply much easier for me to post this message here, than to make a pile of very painful phone calls. Our family knows, our friends know, and everyone has been very supportive.
How am I? I’ve had several rounds of tears myself and a feeling of almost numbness which I cannot describe. I will not be able to look at another baby for awhile, without thinking about my son whom I never got to meet.
Yes. He was a boy. During the ultrasound yesterday I cheated and looked at the baby’s chart and the sex was labeled on there so unless she got it wrong the first time, it was a baby boy. Although he will not be “bornâ€, we did name him Kyle Elwood Klem. Elwood was the middle name of my late grandfather and everyone that knew my grandfather knew him as Elwood.
Tamara is doing about as well as can be expected. Lots of tears and lots of questions, but we will make it through this.
We both are saying that God took our son for a reason. We may never know why but we have to trust that in some way, this entire experience is happening for a reason. We don’t understand it now but maybe in the future we will.
I would ask those of you who do visit this site and are friends of mine to please not call the house. I know a lot of you may want to send your condolences or best wishes but please refrain from any phone calls. If you wish to send your sympathies, there are plenty of other ways to do so, including reading this message and knowing that we are ok and we will continue to be ok. We are surrounded by friends and family who will support us through this very difficult time and that’s what will keep us alive and strong.
Posts to this site will be hit and miss for the next few days. Please feel free to comment or converse if you wish.
Thanks again for your support and we really will be ok.
Matt
