A foggy morning…

The alarm went off this morning and I knew that it was time to return to my normal life of getting up and going into work. I hit the snooze twice, but eventually succumbed to the need to get up, shower, get dressed, and start my day. As much as I would have liked to have slept all day, that doesn’t pay the bills.

It’s been a weird few weeks. For the last couple of weeks, I have sort of felt like my head is foggy. Like things are not so clear. I have not had a lot of ambition (less than I normally do) and have just felt like I am floating along. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing overly wrong in my life right now. Work is good. Home is good. Family is good. Things are good. But, I feel like I’m sort of floating along, just barely getting by. I had a moment last week where I was sitting at work and I nearly started crying. I mean, it’s not something I do very often anyway, but at work? Very weird. So, I started doing a lot of thinking…

The whole loss of Kyle has been very surreal to me. It almost feels like it didn’t happen. But that day at work, I was listening to some music and I just started drifting away and thinking about what was supposed to come in November. I think that’s why I almost lost it. It’s weird. I think in some ways it’s like I’m lagged somehow. Tamara went and is still going through her own pains of our loss but it felt very much like I was sad for a day or two and then it went away. But here I am, wondering.

I think the baby is the biggest part of it. I have not had a lot of ambition to do much. I get home from work, and I want to sleep or watch TV. I don’t feel like going out very often. This weekend was an exception in that we went out to see the boys play. That indeed was a lot of fun but it did come with its own set of stresses, although it worked out just fine which was good.

Yesterday was another one of those foggy days. We did this and that and eventually went for a nice long drive, something I have been doing a lot of lately. My mind seems to wander and be out there a lot. I’ve actually contemplated finding some time to be alone and just contemplate my life and existence. It’s weird.

Have you ever been in a situation where everything around you seems to be ok and fine but for some reason, you just feel sort of numb? There’s a song by Linkin Park called “Numb” which sort of describes it. “I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there”. It’s like not much is affecting me. Is this some sort of side affect of the tragedy that hit me and Tamara? Is this how my mind and body are being affected? I feel like I have been more sick the last few weeks than I ever had. I mean, I’m not sick, but I’m a little on edge, and I feel like I’ve just got this large lack of energy to do anything.

I think I am trying to find meaning in things. I feel like once again something is missing. I don’t know if I have expressed this on here before but I have always felt through my entire life like something was missing. Like there was something else I was supposed to be doing or experiencing but I have never been able to really nail it down. Ever feel like that? Feel like you have a good life, good friends, good family, good surroundings, but there is still something missing? I have felt like that my entire life.

Today is a day where I don’t want to be doing anything. I almost feel like just packing up, going home, going to bed, and staying there for awhile. Sleep and just let life go by.

Why am I like this? Why is it that I feel so numb? I don’t understand it today. I don’t understand it any day.

Maybe none of this makes sense to anyone but I guess one thing that should be made clear is that I am in no way unhappy. Just a bit confused I suppose. I think I need some new hobbies or just something else that is new in my life. Maybe going to volunteer for Rogers will give me something else. I need something outside of my work and personal life to be passionate about. I think maybe that is what is in fact missing. I mean, you can love you job, and love your family, but you need to have a passion for something. Something that makes you feel good and you enjoy and makes you feel full inside. I think maybe that’s something that I need more of.

I enjoy spending time with friends and family and going for drives, etc, but nothing that really jumps out at me as something I just LOVE to do. Do you guys have things that you just LOVE to do? Things that you derive great satisfaction from? Maybe I do need to find something like that.

I know this is sort of a rambling on of things that probably don’t make a hell of a lot of sense but I had this crap in my head this morning and just felt the need to get it out of my system. It’s funny, for me, in many ways writing is one of the best things for me. I voice opinions and things through words and somehow it helps. I have often wondered if I should try and sit down and write out my life’s story to date, then sit back and read it and wonder what it would read like. Would you read a book about me?

Well folks, I think I have done enough meaningless ranting for this morning. I should be doing something a bit more constructive. So for now, I bid you good day!