Well folks, I have done enough work today that my mind is starting to melt, so I think it’s time I sat down and wrote a bigass long rant covering topic to topic and on things that have really been going on in my life. I don’t get the chance to go on big rambles as I seem to have had less ambition lately, but I think today I’m going to do something.
A lot of things have been going on in the last few months. It’s funny, life seems to be going pretty good yet things don’t seem to be any better and I think that’s probably a sign that something is indeed off.
I have found myself very moody and having to sort of bite my tongue at times. A lot of emotion going on in my head and a lot of things just sorting of floating there without any knowledge as to what the problem is, or how to fix it.
I suppose I could start with work. I don’t get into a lot of details about my work because it has been known to cause me some problems in the past. Those of you who know my history know exactly what I am referring to so we’ll just leave it at that. In my work world, things have been going very well. I have a lot of different projects on the go, and have been given more responsibility, and have been recognized a few times for some of the work I am doing. In my professional life, I gotta say, this is as good as I have ever had it. I have an awesome job that pays great, has awesome benefits, and a good work environment. I don’t even have to wear a tie to work either. It’s like this is where I was meant to be. There is one downer on it though. In some ways, I feel a bit like an outsider at my place of work. I really don’t think that’s how it really is but sometimes that’s how I feel. Like, I work there, do well, but am not totally a part of things there. It is very hard to explain. I usually tend to ignore it and do my work, but it is like a splinter. On my mind…
So then let’s move on to things outside of my professional life, my personal life. Things here with Tamara could not be better. I have an awesome wife who tolerates a husband who is definitely a little less than normal, and we genuinely look out for each other and care, and it doesn’t seem to take much effort. We’ve been together since 2003 and we have never had an all-in-out fight, with yelling and all that. We always find a way to communicate in such a way that it doesn’t lead to big fights. With all of that said, I’m feeling very inadequate. I’ve talked to Tamara a lot and she’s always very comforting and reassuring to me but I keep feeling like I am not doing enough or really should be doing more. Is this a normal thing for guys?
Then we have the friend thing. The Halloween party did not go at all like I wanted. In fact, I was more bothered by it than most will know. The last two years that we have had the party (including the wedding), we had a real good turnout. A lot of friends coming over and enjoying the evening. With the exception of a few, it seemed the bulk of the party was filled by members of our family. I would be willing to bet that at least 80% of the people I invited either could not make it, or said they would be there and never showed up. I even invited my entire department from work and not a single person bothered to come. I wrote about this before because I was pretty annoyed but the fact is, it is VERY hard to get a lot of people together for a party. It seems the older I get, the harder it is to see people and to get together with them. I think this bothers me more than anything because I am definitely a people person and really enjoy having people over and having a good time. But trying to get that to happen is like pulling teeth. How many times have I tried to get a poker night for the guys/friends and only Moonie can make it (thanks man! I appreciate it)? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at you, or upset at anyone in particular, it just sucks that people are so busy these days.
Then throw into the mix the fact that I was going to be a dad, but didn’t get the chance. This has produced a whole plethora of emotions and feelings in my head. There’s a small part of me that was relieved by it because I was scared of the responsibility. There’s the part of me that was very mad at why this would happen. Another part is mad because I had to watch Tamara go through this whole thing and there was nothing I could really do about it. I can’t even explain or even know how exactly I do feel about the whole thing but it’s sort of like I have just been going on like things are fine but there’s something there and I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I think that we lost Kyle because I’m not really meant to be a dad. I mean, how long have I gone in my life saying I didn’t want kids? Then magically I’m going to have one and it’s ok now? *shrug* I really don’t know. This whole child thing has had my head spinning now and then. I guess it will be with me forever but I just wish I could understand what it is that I feel.
Overall, I definitely can say that I feel like something is missing. I have a great wife, awesome job, cool house, car, great family, and the friends I do have are very loyal. Why is it that I feel like something is still missing? Is it children? Is it money? Is it a box of Viagra? Is it God/religion? What is it?
Do any of you ever feel like something is missing but you can’t quite figure out what it is?
Anyway, I’ve had some bad days at the house recently. Tamara was pretty worried about me since I got real quiet one night and just wouldn’t say too much. I think we all have days or nights like that where you just don’t know what the purpose is or where you are going. Meaning… it’s that ongoing quest to try and find meaning in our lives… how do you find meaning? Seriously, what is it that drives you to get up every morning and go through the day?
I know I will be fine. I’m not depressed or even down, just feeling a little foggy. I think maybe I need a fan to blow the fog away. Tamara, can you dig one out for me? 😉
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