The second time my birthday has bothered me

I can’t really recall the details of why it bothered me, but just that it did. Turning 24 back in December of 1997 for some reason really bothered me. I think part of it probably had to do with the fact that I was in my mid-twenties and had not really gone too far with my IT career. I was back in school, and just not very happy with where I was in life. Well, that was eleven years ago and today I turn 35 years old. This is indeed the second birthday that has bothered me. This time however, it’s for a completely different reason.

Within the last month, my mood has been up and down and really all over the place. I spent one weekend feeling horribly sorry for myself, and another few days just being depressed. We all go through ups and downs but somehow this seemed to be a bit more. I know it’s affected my work a little bit, and I am sure it has been noticeable by Tamara in some fashion. Regardless, after the other night, I sort of had a bell go off and tell me what was going on.

It was during the drive home from seeing Toulouse Cruise play in Amherst. This was their last show (although Brian has said that if he comes up to Moncton on occasion, other shows may happen but that Amherst was their last “official” show). They have been playing as a group for 8 years and it was a little sad to see the end of another era. Thinking about it, I realized that it really sucked that they would not be playing together anymore. Partly because I enjoy their music together, but also because it gave me a reason, and other people I know, to go out and socialize once in awhile. Alex & Brian are playing somewhere so let’s go out and see them. See some friends, have a few drinks, and enjoy the evening.

As I got closer to Moncton, I started thinking back to other things. The mind always leads you from one thing to another. I actually got thinking about an IRC party that went on in Fredericton. I think the place was called Sweetwaters but I’m not too sure. I remember me and Chris driving up there and acting like we were some sort of radio hosts doing some lame morning show. I remembered Jessica being tanked and apologizing over and over again for not coming to my IRC party in Moncton but that she’d be at the next one. I remembered Jenn annoying the hell out of me when she was laying in the middle of the parking lot pissed drunk, refusing to stand up so me and it must have been Chris basically dragged her into the car. I had not thought about that night in a LONG time. I know the memory came back to me because of one of the songs that Alex did that night in Amherst. Songs always seem to trigger memories in me and I associate a lot of my past and things I have experienced with certain songs. That night in particular was no different. “Lightning Crashes” by Live will always be Sweetwaters in Fredericton.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how long ago that was. Weirdly enough as I type this now I realize that I think that was actually in 1997 or early 1998. I started thinking about how much time has passed and how much things have changed since those days. There are parts of me that greatly miss those days.

It’s not that I am unhappy now, or that I don’t like my life now. In fact, I think that as far as my career and personal life go, I am really at the best place I have ever been in my life. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t miss parts of your past. I think the part that I miss the most is the people. Always interacting with all these different people. Doing things, going places, being spontaneous. A lot of that was associated with my youth and now as I get a bit older I am starting to realize how much things have really changed, and it’s the change itself that is bothering me. Not my age.

Now, that may not make a whole lot of sense so I’ll build a little model for you. Here’s the “typical” life of “Steve”. Steve is born to regular parents who raise him. He goes to public school where he meets friends and plays. As Steve gets older, he goes into middle school and eventually high school. Throughout that time period, he develops his personality and continues to meet new people and hang out with new friends. By the time Steve hits high school, he probably has a little bit of an idea of what he wants to do with his life. He graduates, goes to prom and grad, and then heads off to college. He spends his college days studying hard, and partying just as much. Has a blast and meets a lot of people. Hangs out with  person after person day after day until eventually he graduates. After he graduates, he settles into a somewhat normal routine of work and home. Somewhere in the mix, Steve meets Julie. Him and Julie eventually get married and have two kids. Now that Steve’s a family man, he spends more time at home with his wife and kids, and less time with his friends. It’s not that he doesn’t love his friends or doesn’t want to hang out with them anymore, but time is a lot harder to find. Eventually Steve’s kids grow up, get married, have their own kids, and before you know it Steve is retired and driving Julie nuts being home all day. Steve goes out for a walk, a piano drops out of the sky on top of him and Steve’s happy life is now over.

With the exception of the last part, that to me is a “typical” life. Of course there are lots of ups and downs and differences but they are all varied on the same basic theme.

Each time Steve went through a new phase in his life, things changed. When he went from being a single guy to getting married, life changed. It changed because now he found himself spending a little bit more time with his wife versus his friends. When he had kids, he would spend even less time with friends because family becomes more important. It isn’t that friends aren’t important, it’s just that there are not a lot of days in the week, or hours in the day and you need to choose them wisely.

So getting back to my own story, I found myself recently being bothered by the aspect of change. Turning 35, I have realized that the fun filled care free nature that I had at one time is now long gone and it’s a little sad. There’s a part of me that wants to still hang out with a ton of people and not have to deal with the day to day difficulties of life. There’s the part of me who misses having 20 some people over at the house just hanging out. There’s the part of me that misses just sitting in the basement with a handful of good friends making up words, saying stupid crap, or talking about girls all night.

I have to reiterate the fact that I am not unhappy in my own life. For all intents and purposes I am relatively happy. Ya, I really do wish I saw more of my “friends” but people are busy. It’s just that turning 35 I am really now starting to see how things have changed in life and although there are some great things going on, there’s always a few things you lose at the same time.

I’m reminded of an episode of South Park. You’d be surprised how many good moral lessons come out of that show. Butters gets dumped (sort of) and is sitting on a curbside crying his eyes out. Stan (who was also recently dumped and has joined the Goths to dwell in misery) asks Butters why he won’t join the Goths since he feels so sad and Butters tells Stan (I’m paraphrasing here): “I am sad. But at the same time I’m really happy that something can make me feel that sad. It makes me feel alive…it makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So it’s kind of like a beautiful sadness.”

Oddly enough, that little quote from Butters is so incredibly profound that I have thought of it on many occasions when I have felt like crap. In order for you to feel truly human you have to experience a balance of both happiness and sadness. In the last year, I have experienced a LOT of happiness with having discovered what fatherhood feels like. Having my son in my life has opened up worlds I never knew existed. But, like all things balanced, you have to take the good with the bad. So knowing that my life is good right now, I have to accept that change, albeit sad, is also part of life.

With all of that said, I’m feeling sad at how life has to change. You can’t control it. Life just evolves based on the actions you take, and your reaction to the surrounding world. The things that you lose are replaced by things that you gain. If you’re lucky, the things that you gain far outnumber the things that you lose. It doesn’t mean that you can’t miss what you’ve lost, just that things change. I guess sometimes birthdays just remind you of how things do change.

The year is almost over so I’ll start 2009 off wondering what kind of changes life will throw at me. Whatever they are, I know it will be sad to see some things change, but good always seems to come out of it. All I know is that 2009 will have one huge change for sure…