When you read that headline, it might seem that I either don’t like it or I am having a really hard time but that in fact is not the case at all. It’s actually something else entirely.
I don’t know what most people think, but for me, I have always considered myself to be somewhat humble. I’m not a big ego guy and I’m not one to brag or talk myself up at all. In fact I have always thought of myself as the opposite of that. I mean, I figure I’m a pretty decent all-around person, but I’ve never really thought of myself as being extra special in any way. I mean I have certain things I think about that are definitely outside of that, but generally, I figured I was just a regular guy and not that out of the ordinary.
I have a lot of good qualities and I know that I make a good friend, a good husband, and now a good dad. But I’ve always somewhat struggled to think of myself as much beyond that. I think that’s actually good because the last thing I want to do is become one of these ego-centric assholes who thinks he’s better than everyone else.
All of that being said, becoming a dad has been a bit weird. Dylan will be turning three on Friday and recently I’ve come to learn something about him that for me, feels absolutely awesome, and incredibly intimidating all at the same time.
Last week, Tamara videotaped Dylan sitting on the kitchen floor crying his eyes out. It was in the morning and I had already left for work and he was still in his PJ’s. The video consisted of him crying and crying wanting his daddy to be home and wanting to see his daddy. Tamara taped about two minutes but she said it went on for much longer than that. Over the course of this weekend, it seemed all he wanted to do was to have dad pick him up, play with him, talk to him, read with him, brush his teeth, read his stories, and on and on.
Tamara’s told me that when she drives him home from the sitter’s and he sees my car in the driveway, he gets real excited and runs to the door so he can see me. I’ve seen him get SO excited when I walk in the door and even this morning, he kept saying to me that he didn’t want me to go to work. He stood in the living room and waved out the window as I drove away.
Now for me, there’s two sides to this. One side is that it is SO sweet and cute that my son really has such a bond with me (Megan is very much the same way with Tamara but she’s starting to like playing with me a lot.) and we really do have a lot of fun. The other side is that there’s this tiny part of me that keeps asking “why me?”. What is it that makes me so special to him that he gets so excited? I’m just a guy and I’m just his dad.
When I really start to go all psychological on it, I wonder if because I really didn’t have much of a dad figure growing up, or no dad to get excited about, that maybe I have a hard time relating to what Dylan is feeling. He seems so excited to spend time with me and hang out with me, and yet I can’t seem to “get it”. I love it and I cherish it and I will play with him (and Megan too) as much as he wants (within reason 🙂 ) but there’s still that part of me that asks the question, “What is it that makes me so special to him? I’m just a regular guy.” Tamara says “It’s because you’re his dad. That’s all”.
Everyone likes to hear good things about themselves and sure I do to, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable as well. I’ve done my best to make sure the kids don’t feel that because I want them to know how much I enjoy spending time with them and how much it really does feel good to get that kind of love back from them.
For me, it’s just feels …. weird. It’s very hard to explain.
Anyone else out there know what I mean? Has anyone else felt the same way?
