Some years I think about it and smile and it’s nothing more than just a passing memory.
Other years I take stock of what I have and what I have gained, along with how much has changed since that day.
It’s not something I talk about, even to my wife. She knows about what happened but I hadn’t ever really told her about how for me it’s an anniversary and some years it’s really easy to just shrug off, and other years it bothers me. This year I think I can safely say that it’s been the worst.
You often hear people say that with the passage of time,hurt and pain from a tragic event fade off until it seems that you’ve moved on.But my wife once told me something that I think is a lot truer. When you got through something pretty traumatic, time passes and the memory fades but in a flash, it can feel like you are right back there in the middle of it. Even years or decades later it can seem like you are reliving something from so long ago.
For whatever reason, this was the weekend for me to re-live Sunday, December 15th, 2002.
I have written about this before but only in the context of trying to make people understand and be aware of what it can feel like to a person who wants to end their own life. This time, it’s about all of the things that happen afterwards. Choices you have to make, guilt and sadness you feel from what you did, and reliving parts of that on the anniversary of surviving it.
I knew this weekend was going to be the 16th anniversary of this and like any other year, I tried to smile and be happy that I have as great of a life as I do. But the more the weekend went on, the worse I felt. I was angry, mad, sad, upset, crying, and just a complete and total mish-mash of emotional baggage which unfortunately ended up being unloaded on my family. When all was said and done, apologies were made, tears were shed,and all seems to be well again, except that I’m still feeling this weight of my past hanging on my back.
16 years ago, I was in a low place. I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my entire life. My ex-wife had played a part in pushing away many of my longtime friends. I hated the job I was in and resented my situation having given up a dream job not too long prior to that. My dad wasn’t interested in talking to me or having anything to do with me. I had failed a marriage and was being constantly reminded of how inferior I was as a human being and companion by those around me.
Then after getting to the hospital, I was judged by everyone in there. I had countless faces of doctors and nurses who took a single glance at me and judged my decision based solely on what they saw in front of them. I had to see the look of disappointment on my mom’s face as she came into the ER to see what happened. One of the nurses spoke to her about my condition and when she asked what they were going to do, his first reaction was to grudgingly say “well he definitely needs a psyche evaluation.”
My own doctor came in and gave me the same look that everyone other person had given me. I was at my lowest point and everyone around me is judging me for what I have done and some of them think I’m crazy and should be locked up.
I even lied about being in the hospital to my ex-wife. I told her it was an allergic reaction to my Thyroid medication. A week or so passed and I told her the truth to which it didn’t seem to faze her at all. I walked out of her apartment and knew my life was changing.
Over the course of the last few days, I’ve had a rush of many of these same feelings. Isolation, loneliness, self-loathing, worthlessness,and disparity have all been popping up and around me since before the weekend even hit. I went for a drive the other day and realized what weekend it was and all of a sudden the terrible mood seemed to make more sense.
These are not feelings that I know to be true about my life today. I am more grateful about what I have today than I ever have been before.I count myself very lucky to have my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, my fraternal brothers, and my friends all in my life. But the last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster emotionally for me due to some self-discovery and things that are beyond my control.
At least one of those items was addressed while I was on the road. Although I wanted to not be too worried about my situation, there was a couple of weeks where I didn’t know if I would have a job. Thankfully that situation is resolved and I will continue working as I have been.
My self-discovery that I came across recently has had my mind focused a bit on the past as well. I think that’s the biggest reason why this whole suicide anniversary thing slammed into me badly this weekend.
But why write about it? Well…. Two reasons…
As my wife likes to remind me, writing is therapeutic for me. Every time I sit down and write something, no matter what it is, I some how always feel better about the situation at large. So here I am, dumping my mind out of all this stuff.
Secondly, I think it’s also important to share something like this so that people, as in any of the odd individuals who choose to read my blog entries, know that even folks who are happy, and are leading good and jovial lives still have demons they face from time to time and that sometimes those feelings from the past bubble up and pop out for no apparent reason.
All of the things that have happened in the past are part of what make us who we are today. So it’s ok to let that rise to the surface from time to time as long as you are aware of it and can deal with those emotions in a healthy way.
I guess I’m just saying that it’s ok to be angry and sad and upset about yourself from the past as long as you don’t live in it. Accept it for what it is and learn from it.
Thankfully, it’s a great time of year to be around friends and family to remind me how lucky I am that I didn’t get to finish what I started all those years ago.
