Folks, here’s a list of products that never got out of Apple’s research and development labs. I wrote this list myself.
Top 10 Failed Apple Products
iTouch MySelf – Apple’s new revolutionary self-pleasure tool. This new electronic device featured state of the art “touch” functionality. With no knobs, buttons, or switches, you could control all the aspects of self-gratification with just a touch, or a rub.
iWear – A combination of legacy LCD goggles and corrective lens wear. This new wearable headset would allow you to see far more than your typical eyeglasses would ever allow. X-Ray vision, multi-spectral analysis, and naked chick mode would have made this man’s best friend.
iBall – Meant to replace the typical soccer ball, Apple’s new iBall could literally “see” the target you were aiming for and roll itself towards it. This new recreational ball would change the soccer landscape from teams of players kicking a ball around, to teams of players trying to catch the ball.
iCon – Designed for con artists worldwide, this sneaky little device comes with more than 500 ways to steal a person’s identity, money, website passwords, investment income, banking information, and much more. Also includes a full featured video on how to scam women into sleeping with you.
iSore – Apple isn’t just about technology. They’re also about comfort. The new iSore product was designed to relieve you of all of your aches and pain. Simply remove the lime green device from the fluorescent pink packaging, apply the bright yellow polka-dots to the outer portion of the device, and prod yourself free of all your pain.
iLiner – Designed originally as a means to transport Microsoft supporting employees to their doom, the iLiner was transformed into a lovely cruise ship. A single purchase of an iLiner ticket will give you a cruise that you’ll never forget. You’ll sail all along the Pacific ocean from Vancouver, British Columbia, all the way down to San Diego, California. Your 87 day trip will include free peanuts, complimentary beverages, and free eye makeup.
iDull – Used for those days when you have nothing to do around the house. The iDull is used primarily to let people know that you are doing nothing. It’s revolutionary new “dull” technology automatically knows when you are sitting around doing nothing, and immediately announces it to the world via a 120 decibel loudspeaker. It also uses 3G, SMS, and Wi-Fi to send messages to all of your friends whenever you are doing nothing and are in desperate need of getting a life.
iFlush – Who said going to the bathroom can’t be fun? With Apple’s new iFlush, now you can go potty, and surf the internet. The iFlush is a fully working toilet that comes loaded with an LCD screen embedded in the tank behind you, and a touch keyboard on the back of the toilet. All you need do is sit on the iFlush in a reverse position, and dropping doodies will seem like a whole lot more fun.
iRate – Apple realizes that you don’t get along with everyone you know. That’s why it designed the iRate. iRate allows you to express your dissatisfaction with others through a cool new touch-LCD interface. This device comes pre-packaged with more than 1000 insults, screams, yells, and vulgar comments that you can direct at anyone you choose. It also comes pre-packaged with canned quotes from the most annoying people in the world. You’ll never have to speak up again. Your iRate can do it for you.
iCare – What better way to show your love for someone than with a new iCare from Apple. iCare is the most customizable product from Apple. When ordering your iCare, you choose the specific occasion for the gift (birthday, funeral, wedding, etc), the color that most suits the moment, and all of the amenities that go with it. The iCare will be delivered directly to the person you want to share it with. They will immediately know that despite the fact you never called them and they’ve never heard from you in twelve years, you can still pretend to give a shit about them by sending them a box of chocolates or flowers.
